10 Common Personality Traits of Adult Children of Alcoholics

Growing up with a parent who has alcohol use disorder can leave deep and lasting effects.

Just like in many dysfunctional families, the environment is often unpredictable, and this emotional impact can follow you well into adulthood.

Understanding the common characteristics of adult children of alcoholics (ACOAs) can be eye-opening.

It helps you see patterns in your behaviour that were formed as a way to cope with chaos during childhood.

What are the Statistics?

The Evaluation of the Children of Alcohol Dependent Parents Programme Innovation Fund report published by the Department of Health & Social Care highlights several key findings:

A big problem: In 2019-2020, approximately 478,000 children were living in households where a parent struggled with alcohol or drug dependency. This equates to a rate of 40 children for every 1,000 parents
Impact of parental alcohol misuse (PAM) on children: Children living with alcohol-dependent parents are at a higher risk of developing emotional, behavioural, and academic challenges. They may also face increased exposure to neglect or abuse, leading to long-term adverse outcomes
Importance of early identification and support: Implementing early intervention strategies, such as training professionals to recognise signs of parental alcohol misuse and providing targeted support services, can significantly improve the well-being and development of affected children[1]

Hyper-Vigilance and Constant Alertness

Growing up in a household with parental alcoholism often means being in a constant state of alertness.

The environment is unpredictable and can shift from calm to chaos in an instant. This teaches you to stay on edge, always ready for whatever comes next.[2]

Hyper-vigilance is the feeling of being always on guard.

As a child, you might have learned to pick up on small signs—like a change in your parent’s tone of voice or a subtle shift in their body language.

These signs could tell you whether a good day was about to turn into a bad one:

Always listening for raised voices or the sound of bottles clinking
Watching for changes in mood, like when your parent went from happy to angry in seconds
Avoiding certain topics or staying quiet to keep the peace

Difficulty Trusting Others

Trust is at the heart of healthy friendships and romantic relationships. But if you grew up with an alcoholic parent, trusting others can be tough.

Your early experiences may have shown you that people aren’t always reliable and that promises often get broken.[3]

This can include:

Waiting at the window for a parent to come home, only to feel disappointed when they didn’t
Hearing promises like, “I’ll quit drinking,” and seeing them broken over and over
Feeling like you couldn’t rely on anyone, even when you needed them most

These experiences can lead to problems trusting people as an adult.

You might catch yourself questioning what others really mean, even when there’s no real reason to doubt them.

Letting someone get close or being open about your feelings can feel risky.

In unhealthy relationships, you may find yourself:

Wondering if friends or partners will let you down, just like your parent did
Avoiding deep conversations to keep things safe and less vulnerable
Feeling uneasy when someone tries to support or rely on you, worrying they’ll change or leave

These trust issues don’t just go away with time.

They often follow you into your adult relationships. You might struggle to believe in your partner’s commitment or worry they’ll suddenly change their mind about you.

This can lead to holding back, pushing people away, or overthinking simple interactions.

Friendships can feel less genuine because opening up seems dangerous. You might only share parts of yourself, afraid that being fully honest could lead to hurt or betrayal.

Recognising these patterns is key. It’s the first step to breaking the cycle and learning to trust people more deeply.

Overdeveloped Sense of Responsibility

Growing up with an alcoholic parent often means stepping into roles that children shouldn’t have to take on.

You might have felt the need to become the caregiver in your home, taking on responsibilities beyond your years.

This sense of duty wasn’t just a phase; it shaped how you see yourself and your role in the world.

In a household where a parent struggles with alcohol, daily life can be chaotic.

You may have found yourself waking up early to make breakfast for your siblings or ensuring they got to school on time.

If your parent was too ill or distracted, you were the one stepping up, handling things that most children wouldn’t even think about.

You might have taken on tasks like cleaning up after a parent who passed out or stepping in to calm arguments before they escalated.

This sense of responsibility became second nature because you knew if you didn’t act, no one else would.

This could involve:

Making sure siblings did their homework and got to bed
Handling money matters or groceries because a parent couldn’t
Taking care of your parent when they were too drunk to manage

This early caregiving often follows you into adulthood. You may feel a constant urge to step in and take control whenever there’s a problem.

Whether it’s at work or in personal relationships, you become the one who fixes everything. This can lead to always saying yes, even when you’re already overwhelmed.

You may:

Take on extra work tasks to avoid disappointing colleagues
Feel like it’s your job to mediate conflicts in your family or friend group
Put everyone’s needs before your own without even thinking about it

While being responsible can be a strength, taking it too far can lead to serious issues.

You may find yourself physically and emotionally exhausted, drained from always doing too much.

Your own needs often fall by the wayside. You might skip meals, put off rest, or neglect your own health to keep others comfortable.

This constant caretaking can leave you feeling worn out and even resentful. But instead of stopping, you push through because it’s what you’ve always done.

Recognising this cycle is key to finding balance and allowing yourself to focus on your own well-being.

Fear of Abandonment

Growing up with an alcoholic parent can plant a deep fear of abandonment. This fear comes from experiences where you felt left behind, either emotionally or physically.

Even when your parent was present, their attention might have been consumed by alcohol, making you feel invisible.

The home environment may have been unpredictable. Sometimes your parent was there, caring and loving.

Other times, they were absent, even if they were physically in the room.

They might have missed important events, like school plays or sports matches, or simply been too distracted to notice when you needed comfort.

These moments taught you that people you care about might not stick around.

Waiting for your parent to pick you up but they never showed
Coming home to find your parent passed out, unable to engage with you
Trying to talk or seek comfort only to be met with a blank stare or dismissive words

This fear can show itself in how you behave in relationships.

You may become overly attached, fearing that if you don’t hold on tightly, the person you care about will leave.

A simple delay in a reply or a change in someone’s tone might trigger anxiety and make you question their commitment.

This includes:

Constantly checking your phone for replies to feel reassured
Staying in a relationship even when you’re unhappy because leaving feels worse
Feeling panicked if someone you care about cancels plans or needs space

This fear can make healthy boundaries difficult to maintain.

You might give too much of yourself or bend over backwards to keep someone from leaving.

This can lead to exhaustion or resentment, but you push through because the idea of someone walking away feels unbearable.

Recognising this pattern is the first step.

It helps you start building trust in relationships without the constant worry of being left behind.

With time and support, you can create bonds based on mutual care and trust, not fear.[4]

Difficulty Expressing Emotions

Growing up with an alcoholic parent can make expressing emotions feel complicated.

Your home might have been a place where feelings were ignored, met with anger, or seen as a burden.

This kind of environment shapes how you handle emotions as you grow older.

In a household with an alcoholic parent, emotions could be unpredictable.

One moment, everything seemed fine; the next, there might be shouting or complete silence. If you cried, you might have been told to stop being dramatic.

If you were angry, you could have been scolded or ignored. These experiences teach you that showing how you feel can be risky or pointless.

These behaviours involve:

You might have held back tears, afraid they would lead to more conflict
Staying quiet was safer than being honest about feeling scared or upset
You learned that your emotions weren’t important, so you pushed them down

As an adult, you may find it difficult to express what you’re feeling.

You might bottle up your emotions to avoid seeming vulnerable or causing tension. Over time, this can lead to emotional numbness.

It’s easier to pretend everything is fine than to risk the discomfort of sharing your feelings.

You might also seem detached to others, even when you care a lot inside.

This includes:

Smiling or saying, “I’m fine,” even when you’re struggling
Numbing yourself by distracting with work or other activities to avoid feeling
Feeling stuck when trying to explain your emotions, so you just don’t

Low Self-Esteem

Growing up with an alcoholic parent can leave a lasting mark on your self-esteem.

Constant exposure to criticism, being ignored, or living in a chaotic home can make you question your worth.

These experiences can shape how you see yourself, even years later.[5]

If your parent often criticised you or blamed you for things, it’s easy to see why you’d doubt yourself.

You might have felt that no matter what you did, it was never enough to get their approval.

If your needs were ignored or your successes overlooked, it sent the message that you didn’t matter.

Living in a home filled with tension, where you felt responsible for keeping the peace, added to that feeling.

Hearing remarks like, Why can’t you do anything right? can make you believe you’re incapable
Watching a parent focus on drinking instead of supporting you can feel like neglect
Being blamed for arguments or chaos at home can make you think it’s your fault

Low self-esteem shows up in how you think and act. You might second-guess yourself, even on small decisions.

Self-doubt can be so strong that you hold back from trying new things. Negative self-talk might play in your mind, telling you, I’m not smart enough or I’ll mess this up.

Seeing others succeed can make you feel worse, as you compare yourself and feel you’re falling short.

This includes:

Feeling anxious or unsure when speaking up in a group
Assuming you won’t do well at work, so you don’t take on new challenges
Worrying that any mistake will prove you aren’t good enough

Low self-esteem can hold you back in life. At work, you might avoid projects that could lead to growth because you don’t believe in yourself.

Socially, you could pull away from friends or avoid gatherings because you feel out of place.

You might even self-sabotage by giving up on goals or staying in situations that don’t serve you, thinking you don’t deserve better.

Seeing how these patterns affect you is important. With awareness and support, you can start challenging those harsh thoughts and build a more positive view of yourself.

Shame and Guilt

Growing up with an alcoholic parent often comes with a heavy sense of shame and guilt. These feelings can start early and linger into adulthood.

You might feel like it was your job to keep the household together or think that you somehow caused the problems at home.[6]

As a child, it’s easy to believe that your actions could change your parent’s behaviour. If only you were better, quieter, or more helpful, maybe things would have been different.

This belief puts a huge amount of pressure on you. It makes you feel responsible for things that were never in your control.

You may have stayed out of the way to avoid triggering anger or cleaned up after your parent’s drinking episodes, thinking it was up to you to fix things.

Blaming yourself when your parent got angry or upset
Thinking, If I had just done more, maybe today would be better
Feeling the need to cover up for your parent’s behaviour when talking to others

These feelings of shame and guilt often show up in your actions. You might apologise constantly, even for minor things.

Feeling unworthy of joy or success is common, as if happiness is something you haven’t earned.

This can create a deep sense of internal shame, where you believe that there’s something wrong with you.

Apologising for things that aren’t your fault, like someone else bumping into you
Avoiding celebrating your successes because it feels uncomfortable or undeserved
Feeling uneasy when someone praises you, thinking they don’t know the “real” you

Shame and guilt can impact many parts of your adult life. You may find it hard to reach out for help because you believe you should handle everything alone.

This can lead to isolation, making it difficult to maintain close relationships. Even when you’re with friends or a partner, these feelings can create distance.

You might hold back, afraid they’ll see the parts of you that feel broken.

Recognising these patterns is the first step toward change. Realising that your parent’s struggles were never your fault can help you release the guilt and build a healthier sense of self.

Difficulty with Intimate Relationships

Growing up with an alcoholic parent can make forming intimate relationships difficult.

These feelings can shape how you interact with partners and how you see yourself in relationships.[7]

Trust issues often come from seeing promises broken repeatedly. If your parent said they would be there and weren’t, you learned to question the reliability of others.

This can make it hard to fully believe in your partner’s intentions. A fear of abandonment might cause you to cling to relationships, worrying that any sign of distance means they’ll leave.

Low self-worth, from years of feeling unseen or unimportant, can make you doubt whether you’re worthy of a stable and loving relationship.

Doubting your partner’s reassurances, even when they are genuine
Feeling panicked when your partner needs space, thinking it’s the start of them pulling away
Assuming you need to earn love or approval through constant effort

These feelings can lead you to pick partners who reinforce what you’re used to.

You might be drawn to someone who is emotionally unavailable or brings drama, mirroring the instability you grew up with.

Or, you might go to the other extreme and be overly accommodating, doing whatever it takes to keep your partner happy while ignoring your own needs.

Getting involved with partners who avoid deep emotional connection
Always saying yes to keep your partner content, even when it drains you
Avoiding confrontation, even when something is bothering you, out of fear it will push them away

The first step is recognising these patterns and understanding where they come from. Realising that these behaviours stem from past experiences can help you start making changes.

Working with a therapist or talking to trusted friends can provide support as you work on building trust and self-worth.

Practising open communication, even if it feels uncomfortable at first, can help you learn that sharing your needs doesn’t mean losing someone.

Over time, you can create healthier, balanced relationships where both you and your partner feel seen and supported.

Strong Need for Approval

Growing up with an alcoholic parent can mean that praise and validation were rare. If they were given, they often came with strings attached.

This can lead to seeking approval as a way to feel valued as an adult.

In a home where attention was inconsistent, you learned to connect your worth with pleasing others.

If your parent was in a good mood, being helpful or quiet might have earned you a smile or a kind word.

On tough days, no matter what you did, there was no praise—only criticism or neglect. This taught you that approval wasn’t a given; you had to work for it.

You might have felt good when you helped around the house or kept the peace
If you got positive feedback, it was unpredictable and didn’t last long
You learned that love or safety came when you stayed out of trouble and made things easier for others

As an adult, this need for approval can show up in how you interact with others. You might be the one who always says yes, even when it’s hard for you.

Seeking compliments or reassurance becomes a habit, and you might go out of your way to avoid disagreements.

If someone is upset, you feel responsible for making them feel better, even if it’s not your fault.

Agreeing to tasks at work that leave you exhausted, just to be seen as dependable
Apologising even when you did nothing wrong, to smooth things over quickly
Feeling uneasy if someone looks unhappy, wondering if it’s something you did

This constant need for approval can make it hard to stand your ground. You might find it difficult to set boundaries, worried that saying no will upset someone or push them away.

This can leave you feeling taken advantage of or worn out from always putting others first.

Your own needs and feelings might get pushed aside, affecting your confidence and well-being.

Recognising this pattern is important for change. Learning to value your own voice and set clear boundaries can help you create relationships built on respect.

You deserve to feel valued for who you are, not just for what you do for others.

Defence Mechanisms

People can sometimes develop unhealthy coping behaviours in order to feel more in control.

This can include:

Judgemental behaviour – people feeling insecure can judge others as a way to deflect
Impulsive behaviour – you may take actions which are risky, without thinking through the consequences. This can be a form of self-sabotage
Antisocial behaviours – emotional problems can cause children of people in addiction to express these negative feelings in antisocial ways[8]

Coping Mechanisms and Growth Strategies

Growing up with an alcoholic parent can impact how you cope as an adult.

But understanding these traits and taking steps to change can help you lead a more balanced life and have healthier relationships.

How Can I Become More Self-Aware of my Habits?

Becoming aware of your habits is the first step. For example, if you notice that you’re always trying to keep everyone happy, pause and ask yourself why.

This might be tied to your upbringing, where pleasing others felt necessary to keep the peace.

Pay attention to moments when you say yes but feel uneasy afterward. Acknowledging these feelings helps you change your responses.

When you find yourself avoiding conflict, ask yourself, Am I doing this to protect myself, or is it just a habit?
Reflect on how you feel when you seek validation and consider whether it’s tied to past experiences
Recognise that these responses were once protective but don’t have to stay that way

How Can I Get Therapy and Professional Help?

Therapy, like cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), can help reframe your thinking.

For instance, if you’re used to feeling guilty for putting yourself first, a therapist can guide you through exercises that shift this perspective.

Practising assertive language with a therapist can prepare you to handle real-life situations where you might otherwise struggle to say no.

Work on scripts that make you comfortable, like saying, I’d love to help, but I can’t today
Discuss scenarios with your therapist where setting boundaries made you feel anxious, and explore healthier responses

Which Charities and Organisations Can Support Families of Alcoholics?

These steps can help you overcome the past and build a life where you feel secure, confident, and capable of healthy relationships.

Here are some charities and organisations that provide support to family members of alcoholics in the UK:

Al-Anon Family Groups – Offers support groups for families and friends of alcoholics, providing a confidential space to share experiences and receive encouragement. Meetings are available nationwide and are free to join
Adfam – Supports families affected by drug and alcohol misuse through resources, support groups, and training. They offer a helpline and online services to assist family members
Families Anonymous – Provides support groups for relatives and friends of individuals with drug or alcohol issues, following a 12-step program similar to Al-Anon. Meetings are held both online and in person
National Association for Children of Alcoholics (NACOA) – Offers information and support for children and young adults affected by a parent’s alcohol use, including a free helpline, email support, and online resources
Drinkaware – Provides advice and support for families coping with alcohol misuse, offering a comprehensive range of resources to understand alcohol-related issues
Turning Point – Delivers services for those affected by addiction, including family support, therapy, and counselling options for family members
Action on Addiction – Offers support for families through their M-PACT (Moving Parents and Children Together) program, as well as online resources and group support for affected families
SMART Recovery Family & Friends – Provides tools and meetings for family members dealing with someone else’s addiction, focusing on evidence-based methods like Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT)

These organisations offer various forms of support, including helplines, support groups, counselling, and online resources, to assist family members in coping with the challenges associated with a loved one’s alcohol misuse.

How Can I Engage in Personal Growth?

Journaling can help you recognise and unpack your emotions. For example, jot down times you felt anxious or over-apologised and look for patterns.

Self-care isn’t just a buzzword—it’s a way to rebuild your sense of self.

Try simple activities like reading or taking a walk to relax. Spend time with people who make you feel valued, not judged.

Keep a journal entry each day noting what triggered your stress and how you responded
Set aside 15 minutes a day for activities that make you feel relaxed, like listening to music or taking a quiet walk
Surround yourself with friends who respect your boundaries and encourage honest conversations

FAQs

How do adult children of alcoholics behave?

Adult children of alcoholics often develop certain behavioural traits due to their upbringing.

Common characteristics include:

Hyper-vigilance: You might constantly scan for signs of trouble, whether it’s reading someone’s body language or anticipating an argument. This can make it hard to relax, even in safe environments
Difficulty trusting others: Growing up with broken promises or unpredictable behaviour can make you doubt others’ reliability. You may question a friend’s motives or find it tough to believe your partner will keep their word
Strong need for approval: You could find yourself going out of your way to gain acceptance, like taking on extra work at your job or avoiding conflict at any cost to keep people pleased

These traits start as ways to cope but can create challenges later in life.